Life's Lesson

As I mentioned earlier, actions that you take yourself can also alter your life forever.  I bought my first computer just a few years ago, because everyone else that I knew owned one.  For several years I used an electric typewriter.  I thought the thing was the most marvelous invention.  It even had automatic correction tape… however, I always used up several spools of this magic tape long before I had to replace the typewriter ribbon.  Also the font balls were wonderful, because I could change from Roman type to Italic with the flip of a switch. 

At the time, I figured that I could wait to purchase a computer until the industry slowed down its technological advances and the cost of computers would go down.  However, I found out a short time after the purchase of my first computer that I still paid too much for it, and the day after I bought the darn thing it was already outdated!  But that's the way my life goes.

I even signed up to access the information super-highway on the Internet. But soon discovered that I immediately required a faster modem or I'd forever be detoured to a slow country lane with a lot of potholes.  I also discovered that whatever I was interested in and searched for on the Internet I could readily find in my local library for free. 

The library also has a friendly person there who cheerfully helps with whatever I need.  I can even copy my research just by feeding a few coins into a copy machine… no fighting with a stubborn printer. Plus, I found out that using the library copy machine is much cheaper than replacing the ink-jet cartridge on my printer. 

In trying to conquer cyber-space, I tried those ‘…For Dummies’ books on computers and software.  However, I soon discovered that I needed something much easier like ‘…For Idiots’ books with easy to follow pictures and diagrams.

It totally amazes me how someone figured out that they could take silicon, which is basically just sand, and imprint it to make it remember stuff, just like stuff is imprinted on our brains as we learn new things throughout our lives.  Some of that stuff is good, some is bad.  I'm sure that computer scientists try to imprint only good stuff on silicon chips.  Then someone else uses this capability to possibly do something bad, like hacking into other people's computers to steal or raise havoc by giving those computers “cyber brain strokes.”

I'm sure that silicon chips are also capable of forgetting stuff just as we human beings are… which is evidenced by my own computer.  I have tried to remedy this forgetful problem with my own brain by taking some herbs that I bought from my local health food store that has been advertised to help with memory.  My problem with this strategy is that I keep forgetting to take the herbs to help me remember in the first place.

I'm starting to worry about my mind.  I can remember events in my life that took place when I was three years old, but can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday.

I really tried to research my computer purchase.  But whenever I went into a computer store a rumpled looking sales clerk would always ask me how many rams I wanted, how many megabytes or gigabytes I needed, and what kind of software I was going to use.  At the time I didn't have any idea what they were talking about… I didn't want to appear to be stupid, so I would just say; "I'll just look around for a little bit."  Then I'd sneak out the door.  I just wanted to buy a computer, take it home, plug it in and start surfing the Internet, just like you'd do with a new TV.  You take it home, plug it into the cable and the electrical outlet, put batteries in the remote, break out the beer and pretzels and you're in business.

The terms that computer people use are also a bit mysterious to me.  I thought "server" was the person in a tennis match who was serving the ball, or the person in the restaurant who brought out the platter of food.  Also, the term "user" is also sometimes used to describe a person who abuses drugs.  "Hacking" is something your cat does to cough up fur balls or you do to remove weeds from your yard… or is that "Whacking?"  And "Back up" is something you do in your car to get out of your driveway or if you see a dangerous snake or bug.

Whenever I tried to download something on my new computer, a little timer would pop up with the message "8 hours left for download… a half hour later it would say 7 hours 59 minutes left for download."  I thought that I'd bought a defective computer that was exceedingly slow and couldn't tell time, or I had done something wrong. 

To this day, one of my phobias is going into computer stores to buy something.  I'm afraid someone will come up to me and ask a question that I don't have the answer to. 

This is the same problem I suffer from at work in dealing with our organization's "Information Technology" people.  Whenever my work computer starts acting weird, I break into a sweat thinking that I'm going to have to call the IT trouble desk for help.  This is when my techno phobias re-surface because I know that I'm going to be the subject of ridicule due to my lack of computer skills.  At work there is no escape from these people like there is at a computer store, to do my assigned tasks and to continue collecting a paycheck, I must surrender to the authority of one of the company’s computer technicians.  They saunter into my office, sit at my desk and with a few strokes on the keyboard have my computer back on line.  But I'm sure that they are thinking, "Another ‘ID10T’ trouble ticket solved."

One of my friends, Darryl, got into computers at about the same time as I did.  The computer really caused his life to warp.  He started out being a very neat and well-groomed person.  He read the directions on how to use his computer and understood them!  Two years later he was in constant need of a haircut and shave, he forgot how to tie his shoes and his shirttail was forever hanging out the back of his pants.  And, whenever I tried to carry on a conversation with him, it seemed that he was in a faraway place.

Everybody knows that men have difficulty with asking anyone for directions.  To do so somehow diminishes our manhood.  This direction taboo is imbedded in our primitive brain.  In prehistoric times, men went out to hunt for the meat, they would head out with just one thing in mind…bring home the dinner.  There was no corner gas station or convenience store they could stop in at to ask for directions.  They had to rely on their single-track brain wits to hunt down the evening's meal.  And if they were delayed in returning to the cave, the clan just figured that the fool was completely lost or was eaten by a saber tooth cat. 

I can drive into a strange city and just keep driving until I find what I'm looking for… and at the same time see the different sights of the new city.  If I’m late getting home from a road trip, my wife just figures that I’m lost.

When I finally worked up enough nerve to ask Darryl for directions on how to operate my computer, he would begin to talk and my eyes would start to glaze over.  This probably happened because I didn't have a clue as to what he was talking about.  Also, because of my initial embarrassment of having to ask for directions in the first place I never bothered to take notes, I would just sit there and nod as if I understood every word he was saying.  So because of my limited grasp of the solution, when I did try something on my computer he told me to try, the computer would just get mad at me and freeze up.  For a long time I was afraid to even use the darn thing because I was worried that I'd erase the silicon brains or something on my expensive paperweight!

Eventually, I figured out how to create and save documents in the word processing program.  I have really excelled at "saving"… my slow computer still has a tendency to periodically and mysteriously freeze up on me.  The only way to unfreeze it is to turn it off and start all over again which causes the loss of whatever was on the screen.  I could probably solve this problem by forking out more money and buying another faster computer that will be the old model next week.

Also, I never did figure out how to use the program for balancing household finances.  But I can't balance my checkbook either so that's not very critical.  My wife takes care of all our financial business.  I finally caved to social and medical pressure to quit smoking so the computerized world has really increased its reality for me.  I was starting to feel guilty about sneaking out in an alley to smoke a cigarette because of the snarling looks I get from non-smokers.  After I quit, I started gaining weight because I lost all incentive to exercise, because when I smoked I ran all over the dang place just looking for the designated smoking area… which was usually in the back alley of some building… I was also starting to feel like I was back in high school, sneaking around to smoke a cigarette.

My friend, the computer wizard, quit smoking because he said that nicotine would get into his computer and muck things up.  I'm sure that his incentive for giving up tobacco was mostly for the benefit of his computer's health rather than his own. His decision may have added to both his and his computer’s health, but he still looks like he just rolled out of bed after staying up late “surfing the net."  But because of his computer knowledge, he now makes wheelbarrows full of money at one of those computer companies that now control our car's brains, lives and national economy.

Until recently, you couldn’t turn around without running into someone who works in the computer industry.  Until all the dot com businesses went bust there were probably more college students studying for computer industry related jobs then there were students studying law and medicine… money was in the computer business. 

Those students who were in law school were probably planning to go to work for one of the dot coms after they graduated, or their law practice would be run from their bedroom on a web page.  Those students studying medicine should probably go into psychiatry because there is now big money in the growing numbers of people, like me, with computer caused mental illness or dot com post traumatic stress. 

I wonder if anyone has done a medical study on the correlation of mental illness and computer use.  It's just a matter of time before we see this bit of information in the medical journals.  Just like we've seen that cell phones can cause brain damage… maybe my grandfather was right about glowing clock dials.  He told me when I was a young boy that those clocks, which glowed in the dark, were dangerous because they put off radiation. 

That bit of information gave me yet another phobia about alarm clocks for several years… if my alarm clock glowed; it was placed all the way across the room from my bed.  Also, when I had to set it, I always held it at arm's length to do so.

Even our mechanics who work on our cars today need specialized computer training and special computer tools to do their jobs.  The days of the "shade tree mechanic" are over, unless some tree surgeon can implant an Internet hookup in the Elm tree out in the front or back yard.  Also, here’s an important tip, if you don't want your car to catch on fire, never try attaching loose plugs dangling from under your dashboard into anything!

It also seems that maybe one day we will have refrigerators, stoves, TVs and other household appliances that will be capable of being hooked up to the Internet.  A repairman will show up at your door a couple hours before the washing machine breaks down to fix it.  Also, a grocery delivery boy will be able to deliver a gallon of milk to your door because the fridge sent in a message telling someone at the cyberspace Mom and Pop's Supermarket.com, that didn’t go bust, that you are low on milk.  However, the milk will be low fat because the bathroom scale told the fridge "the user is getting too fat."  Also, because of the information the bathroom scale sent to the fridge, a device will trigger a locking mechanism on the fridge, which will limit your access to those midnight snacks!

You might guess that I also have a problem with bathroom scales… I don't really, because I don't own one.  I feel that some information only contributes to undo worry and leads to obsessive behavior like dieting and exercise.  I avoid exercise injuries by looking both ways at my local grocery store’s parking lot after I get out of my car to walk into the store to buy beer.  This prevents me from being run over and injured by a jogger or bicyclist out obsessing about their appearance or health.

Also because of computers all of the junk mail you will receive in the future, via e-mail of course, will be much more interesting.  Because the cyberspace marketers will have determined that from their studies of your refrigerator contents, obsessively weighing yourself, the programs you watch on television and the type of detergent you use in washing your clothes, you might have a special interest in their stuff. 

Of course with modern convenience comes modern in-convenience, you will no longer be able to continually hit the snooze button on the radiation free alarm clock, because Rosie the Robot housekeeper will come in to drag your butt out of bed so you can make it to work on time.  This will certainly be necessary so you will continue to be able earn enough money to pay for all of the modern internet-connected appliances in your home and the services they provide.

I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a kilobyte and a megabyte, and what difference it would make in my life if I knew the answer.  I guess that I will forever be computer illiterate.

To add to my frustrations, one of my nephews has more knowledge about computers than I do... Parents should make their kids get outdoors to play more rather than sitting around in front of a darn computer!

Several million games of solitaire later... which I played on my overpriced and outdated computer, I figured that I'd better get down to work and see what else I could do with my expensive desk top contraption besides look at it.

Solitaire on a computer is a good thing however.  I could always close the door to my den, and sit in front of the computer playing solitaire, and when my wife yelled at me to mow the grass or take out the garbage I could always yell back at her “I’ll do it later, right now I’m busy on the computer.”  One day she caught me in this ruse, so that excuse doesn't work anymore, and now I’m no longer allowed to close the door to my den.  I tried to remind her that “Dr. Phil” said that we could treat ourselves every once in a while… it didn’t work!

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, which some might disagree with.  As soon as I think that I've got things figured out... bam... life evolves into something I don’t recognize and it hits me in the nose again.  I could probably blame my tendency toward laziness, procrastination or my inability to read and understand computer directions on my parents, but they'd just tell me, "Your problems are a genetic disorder that you inherited from your birth parents."