What’s wrong with being old?

By Dan Barber

From all of the television commercials I see proclaiming the latest “anti-aging” face cream, juice, dietary supplements or surgical/non-surgical procedures to “turn back the clock” makes me think that there might be something wrong with growing old.

Let’s face it getting old is incurable! Once this fact is accepted, the more life can be enjoyed. For example, you can really tell young people what you think of them when they are acting dumb… they will consider you just a grumpy old person. I think the older I get the less I can tolerate bull stool. People need to understand that I speak from experience because I used to create a lot of bull stool that my elders thought was stupid!

My brother, Rodney, jokingly tells complainers who grouse about something hurting them to go out in the back yard and smear dog poop on it which would immediately cure their “owey”.  The problem with this sound advice would be a gullible young person who would actually go out in the back yard in search of fresh droppings! I wonder if a healthy dose of bull stool can cure age related issues.

Once you are old you can guilt-trip your children or grandchildren into taking care of the chores you should be doing. But don’t overdo this age benefit because once they catch on you might be headed for the assisted living facility/nursing home.

Another perk of old-age is we can actually take naps whenever we want…but don’t let anyone catch you napping while sitting behind the wheel of your car while at a traffic light, you will then lose your driving privileges and no longer be able to cuss traffic lights that turn red for no apparent reason, because your fellow bus passengers might take offense at your foul language!

Sleeping in every morning is an option for retirees. Most people look forward to this luxury during their commute to work. However, now that I’m retired, I can’t sleep in. After 50 years of rolling out of bed every morning to head off to work has broken my body clock. This might be the reason for all of the naps I now require.

Fashion is no longer an issue for old men. Young people might laugh at the sight of them with their pants hiked up above the belly, but the alternative would make them shudder if the old man wore his pants below the belly and suffered a wardrobe malfunction.

When I was a young person I used to sit for what seemed like hours politely listening to the sea stories of old retired sailors. I always thought that I would never bore a young person with my sea stories…my recollections aren’t at all boring. I know this because my wife often comes into my den to ask, “What are you laughing at, and who are you talking too?”